I got s**tfaced at work

I got s**tfaced at work on Friday.

Two dogs were dropped off for the day at the vet’s office.  We were to give them a canine annual, which includes a physical examination including the checking of the skin and body, teeth and mouth; rabies vaccination; a combination vaccination called a DHLPP; a heartworm test; clipping the nails, and a FECAL EXAM.  If the client requests it, we can also express the anal glands.

The anal glands are two internal glands with openings that are on either side of the anus at approximately 8 o’clock and 4 o’clock positions.  The glands can fill with fluid and can cause great distress and pain, especially in the smaller dogs.  The vet, or whoever the lucky candidate may be, can express this fluid out by grasping either side of the dog’s hiney with thumb and forefinger, and pulling and squeezing at the same time.  It is best to wear rubber gloves when performing this maneuver, and to also stand to one side of the dog and to keep your mouth shut.  The resulting product can range from liquid to pudding, and the odor is a foul cross of rotten fish and nuclear waste.  Gas masks are optional.

The smaller of the two dogs was a puggle, a confusing cross-breed of a pug and a beagle.  Generally speaking, the ones that I have seen have a body the size of a beagle with a curly pug-style tail. The color is generally pug-colored, not multi-colored like a beagle, and the snout is a shortened version like the pug.  The general finished product results in a friendly little animal that duplicates the amount of energy of both of these high-energy breeds.  We’ll call our friend Mr. Wiggly.

A heartworm test involves drawing some blood from the animal, and applying the blood sample to a test strip.  A syringe with a needle is needed, and many dogs are very calm during this procedure.  Mr. Wiggly wasn’t feeling the love, and the other vet tech that I work with was getting worn down from trying to hold Mr. Wiggly still enough so the vet could draw blood from the vein.  Wiggly was dancing all over the exam table and howling like the beagle in him allows him to do, even though the needle was not yet in his vein, and I went in the room to check on them to see if I could assist.  I noticed Mr. Wiggly’s butt muscles flexing open and closed, and gave the warning for everyone to stand clear.  A stink bomb was about to be released.  Everyone relaxed and took a breather. 

The vet asked me to take over restraining the dog.  I put the dog in the approved restraint position, with my face turned away from the dog’s head in case he tries to bite.  The vet picked up the dog’s paw in one hand, and the syringe with needle in his other hand hovered over the vein.  The dog started dancing on the metal exam table and howling and thrashing around with his curly tail whipping around like helicopter blades.  I felt something warm releasing on my left arm, and thought that it was urine, and the vet yelled, “Let him go!”

Nope.  Not urine, although it was liquid.  The curly helicopter tail had slung stuff everywhere, like the debris that is slung by a crashing helicopter in the movies.  The vet scruffed the dog fore and aft and, as he lifted him from the table, I saw the mess on the table, on my arm, and on my scrubs.  Explosive nuclear waste made of poop and anal gland fluid.

I hosed off the most evident waste on my arm in the tub area reserved for bathing dogs.  I got a clean set of scrubs, and changed my contaminated clothing in the bathroom.  As I was washing my hands, I realized that I still stunk.  I examined my hands and arms but nothing was there.  I raised my head to look in the mirror, and was horrified to see that I had droplets of nuclear fish waste ON MY FACE.  I scrubbed all the skin off my face, but I still stunk.  The vet said, “Let me check your hair.” 

Yup.  There was too much to remove without washing my entire head, so I went back to the tub area AGAIN and scrubbed my head.  I wrapped my washed and rinsed head in a towel and went in search of my glasses.   I found them in the bathroom where I had left them from when I washed my face.  As I lifted them to my face to inspect them, I smelled that by now all-too-familiar odor.  On my glasses.

I gave my glasses two strong dips in Mr. Clean and Fabuloso, and now I am fabuloso clean. 

Yup.  I got s**tfaced at work.  Not the recommended method.

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2 Responses to “I got s**tfaced at work”

  1. Simba Says:

    This sounds as interesting as James Herriot’s usual escapades. You tell it well also, although I’m glad it was you and not myself. The silly part is that you’ll remember this as funny.

    Like

  2. ruthrawls Says:

    The other vet tech was more upset than me. I wish I’d thought to get the camera.

    Like

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